Making My Chakras go Ding!

Prayer for a friend

2011-01-23T21:43:00.002-08:00

Dear readers,

Today I am sending out a prayer for a friend. She had an argument with her sleazy landlord (whom I also rented from before)and he decided to kick her out. She got a 2 week notice. All weekend she frantically looked for a place to move to but was unsuccessful. While I cannot understand why she would want to live there still, she decided she would tuck her tail between her legs and go apologize to him. With a cake. Literally.

How humiliating it must have been for her. We both hate his guts.

On the second thought, she did say that she doesn't have any family here to help her and she's financially stretched at the moment. I hope I would never have to go through that situation in my life. Said friend also had broken up with the guy she was dating just last week. So yes, I believe a prayer for strength is in order.

Yours sincerely,

Ana

Deep Seated Discontent

2010-12-24T00:14:00.002-08:00

I was watching a video on youtube earlier today about the different types of work one could get. It ranged from mind numbing jobs at a place like starbucks to high flying ones like being a surgeon. While I do not have a high flying job, I can identify especially with the part of having the job that is so stressful and demands all your attention that it becomes your life. Your work defines who you are. ANd I can honestly say that it is making me miserable. I feel bloody miserable. My life is in a constant state of stress and even time off isn't relaxing. Could it be that I hate my field of work?

Riddle Me This

2010-12-08T21:05:00.004-08:00

Correct me if I'm wrong because apparently I've completely misunderstood the purpose of life. lol, seriously.

Friend: You don't want to be 50 and still be doing the same thing. Because you will come back with nothing except a lot of life experiences.

Me: Umm, isn't that the whole point of life?

So, really. The point of life isn't to live it to the fullest? What she said really baffled me. It honestly did. Because if that is not why I've been given a chance to live on this earth then I've got nothing.

FML as a counsellor

2010-11-01T17:59:00.002-07:00

Dear reader(s),

Some days I really wish my career path was something different. Today is one of those days. While I spend all my working hours listening to others talk about their problems in life, the last thing I want to do is listen to family and friends in the event that I do have moments off.

Although I had spent all weekend in isolation, it felt good. Not seeing people means not having to work. Such is what my life has come to at the moment. Breathe, everything in life is transitory. There has to be lighter moments to life but I do not remember what they feel like.

On my day off from work today, I headed to the library to do some studying. I was joined by a friend who had had a really rough day dealing with her boss. While I really care about my friend, and wanted to be there for her (which I did)...I would be lying if I said our conversation did not take a toll on me. It felt like work.

The thing about this line of work is that it never ends. And you do not ever leave work at work. When human connections are involved, one does not stop to put caring aside.

With love,

Ana

Looking deep for a reason

2010-10-22T21:34:00.003-07:00

It's Friday night and I'm sitting at home, on my bed, completely pooped. This week has been a little rough. Between practicum, work and school it doesn't feel like I had any down time at all.

Last night it all amounted to a lump in my throat. Why am I pushing myself so hard again? What is my purpose for putting myself through a hellish 3 years? I can see a destination but yet I cannot see or feel my own feet that are walking the path.

On the train today I was listening to a talk about patience. The analogy that seems to fit my life right now is the one with the donkey and the carrot. The donkey works hard, pulls a heavy load on it's back as it keeps going, trying to get the carrot dangling in front of it. No matter how fast the donkey goes, how hard the donkey pushes itself, the carrot is just a few inches ahead of him. He can see it but he cannot have it. I am this donkey.

What is my purpose for pursuing this path anyways? My carrot seems ever so elusive. Patience is the point of the story. If I were to stop chasing the carrot, it might go move further away for awhile. Further away than it has ever seemed, but it will always come back. And if I just wait, it will fall right into my mouth.

Why am I doing this again? For a good career, for a better life? For validation? What is my REAL reason? Sometimes after a rough week, even the destination seems unclear and shrouded by a thick fog.

The Dream

2010-10-04T00:39:00.003-07:00

Scene 1: A girl enters the apartment. She had a spare key. She drops the bags on the bed and gets ready take a shower.

Scene 2: The girl had taken a shower but not inside the apartment. For reasons unknown, she had to shower in another bathroom in the building. She's on her way back to his apartment. Nothing is amiss except that the building is no longer an apartment building but a hotel with a big lobby. She notices this but takes it in stride.

Scene 3: She crosses the lobby to access the elevator that will take her back to his apartment. The elevator door opens, she is now worried. The hallways seemed familiar but does not take her back to his apartment. She tries different hallways, with no success. She keeps backtracking to the lobby, almost certain that the path she tried should lead her there.

Scene 4: She is upset. She is confused and anxious that he should find out she had gone to his apartment. She did not let him know she was coming. Her bags were sitting on his bed. She really did not want him to know.

Interpretation: This girl is me. I could sit here all night contemplating the meaning of my dream as I listen to the soundtrack from Les Miserables. Or I could take it for what it is. A simple sign.

2010-09-23T21:17:00.003-07:00

Conversations of the past few days seem to land, one way or another, on working abroad and making money. This has been on my mind. My latest educational endeavour is scheduled to end in 8 months. Equipped with a graduate degree, there is a certain expectation that the world would be my oyster, ready to open up to reveal a long hidden pearl that will magically transform my life into the bliss that I've been waiting for.

Wrong

As I begin to consider my options in more details, well...details arise.

1) How will I find a job?
2) Will said job pay well? - I'm sick of working for close to no money
3) Where would I consider living?
4) Am I willing to pack up my life here for now? - Yes!But leaving family and friends is always hard.
5) How long would I be away for?

Another Sex & the City Moment

2010-08-07T22:36:00.002-07:00

It totally was. This summer I'm mostly hanging with some girl friends and our weekly dinner/ Saturday night get together is starting to mysteriously feel like an episode out of Sex & the City. Today we actually talked about it too. We were trying to figure out characters and whatnot.

Kathy is a 33 year old massage therapist who lives on the North Shore. She has 2 degrees, one in Biology, one in Nursing and now she has given up all those for a thriving career as a massage therapist. Kathy introduced me as her best friend at the last party we went to. Current Men Situation (CSM): Kathy is in love with a bus driver who is 60 years old, she's casually dating a 32 year old who has a 17 year old daughter and occasionally makes out with a 53 year old who has 3 kids.

Lily is a 28 year old graduate student in the middle of switching majors. She lived in the states for awhile but has decided to call Vancouver her home. She's close friends with my cousin. I had only met her last year through a mutual friend whom I known in high school. Current Men Situation (CSM): Lily is going through some rough times. She just found out that her recent ex-boyfriend is getting married to a woman his mom had picked out for him months ago. He failed to mentioned this tiny lil fact to her until a couple of days ago. What-an-idiot. Needless to say, she's pissed and going through rough times. Went to the clinic today, doctor says she may be pregnant. Blood test done, results in 5 days.

Farah is a 37 year old teacher turned bank teller. She's sexy and confident but repeatedly has man issues. I had only met her 6 months ago when I moved out of my old place and she moved in. Farah is new to this country and culture. I felt the need to take her under my wings and introduce some friends to her. Current Men Situation (CSM): I have a feeling Farah was hurt once before, really bad. But she is looking and haven't been having much luck. She's beautiful and attract attention where ever she goes because of her bubbly personality.

My CSM: Nothing, nada, zero...nothing on the horizon and you know, let's keep it like that for a little while :) It's me time.

What is this restlessness?

2010-07-31T01:18:00.003-07:00

I spent the last 3 hours (and most of last night, really) aimlessly searching the web for activities to do on my upcoming time off from school. Not only that, I also aimlessly browsed job postings for hours on end until my eyes are unable to stay open and I have a pounding headache. What is this?

Have I learned nothing from the meditation retreat I have recently been to? What is this need to plan and try to fill my time, and life? Am I doing this for myself or am I doing it so that I can tell people...oh this summer I did this and that. What did YOU do? Maybe it's a fear of having the summer pass by without any significant learning.

Ideas I'm playing around with for the summer:

1) Ocean kayaking
2) Scuba diving
3) Meditation
4) Camping

Perhaps it is because I feel like I've studied so hard this year and this is my one and only chance to go out and do stuff. Which it is. But what is my greatest fear here? What's the worst case scenario?

That summer came and went without any new experiences. The start of another full school year without having relaxed at all. That's my biggest fear.

Anyways, 2 more papers to go...2 more discussions before my 'summer vacation' even begins. Nose to the grind...

Story of a monk in the forest

2010-07-23T22:21:00.003-07:00

There was once a monk who sat very quietly in the forest. This monk sat so quietly, he did not even bat an eyelash. Soon the animals of the forest began to come to the pond nearby to drink from it, oblivious to the existence of the monk. Later yet, the monk began to notice creatures that he has never seen before. Creatures his parent have never known of to tell him. This is the story of the monk who sat quietly in the forest.

Ripples in my pond of serenity

2010-07-22T22:31:00.005-07:00

Since coming home from my retreat on Saturday, I have had one day of peace where I stayed home and got some school work done. I've had a visitor in my home since then.It has been 3 days. It didn't dawn on me how much I have come to appreaciate my independence and peace of mind. While I love the company of people at times, at others...human interaction is just pure torture. Not to say this it torture right now but I'm definitely ready for some solitude.

It is true that the most difficult part of learning something is in putting it to practise. In the face of all the complaining, stress is beginning to seep back into my life. Slowly but very surely. I see it now. All the stress people create for themselves from greed. The want to save money, the want to make more money, the want to have the best of everything, the want of all their dream to come true. How deluded. There will never be contentment if we continue to travel down this path. Acting as though our very lives (and happiness) depended upon getting the best. As though we will be anhilated should we not get the best television set, or the best kitchen cabinet. I'm willing to put money where it says we will not perish in light of not having the granite countertops match the colour of the wall.

A desktop background at a previous job site once said:

Relax, everything we were meant to do has already been done.

Lessons from Ayya

2010-07-21T08:02:00.005-07:00

1) Somethings cannot be learned through logic
2) You would have to be in the middle to be able to see both extremes
3) You have to forgive and realize that we are all doing our best, love unconditionally

Blissing Out

2010-07-21T07:43:00.006-07:00

I've just come back from doing a meditation retreat, something I have never done before. It was quite an amazing experience. I had an instant connection with the teacher/ nun. She used to live in Malaysia, believe it or not. In Penang.

For the 4 days we did not talk and fasted after 12pm. We slept on makeshift beds at 9pm and woke up at 5am everyday. The retreat was filled with bouts of sitting and walking meditation. When Ayya (the teacher) referred to retreat go-ers as "retreat junkies" I almost bowled over with laughter. She also says people mistakenly attend retreats with the purpose of "blissing out." Which I thought I was funny too because my experience was not one of bliss...at all. It was a lot of back ache, cramps in my legs and shifting around. I miss Ayya. Her smile which is at one time mischievous, at one time kind but she can be quick to reproach too. When she chanted her love for the Buddha, I cried.

So now it's back to life. Sensory overload for the first day but things are increasingly getting back to normal. I did learn though, I did.

Marinated Tofu with Vegetables

2010-07-20T09:24:00.004-07:00

500g firm tofu
1/3 cup soy sauce
3 cloves garlic
2 tbsp ginger
1 onion
1 red capsicum
150g sno peas

Source: The New Stir-fry Cookbook

As I come back from my Silent Meditation Retreat I've been trying desperately to grasp onto any remaining shred of peace possible. With the demands of daily life, it is difficult to "slow down and smell the roses." I miss the monastery and the unhurried calm that seems to prevail there. So I came home and I cooked.

Brunch Scones

2010-07-20T09:12:00.006-07:00

* 1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
* 4 teaspoons baking powder
* 5 tablespoons unsalted butter
* 5 tablespoons white sugar
* 2/3 cup whole milk
* 1/2 cup currants
* 1 egg yolk, beaten

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C). Lightly grease a baking sheet or line with baking parchment.
2. Sift flour and baking powder into a medium bowl. Rub butter and sugar into flour to form a fine crumble. Make a well in center, and add milk and currants. Knead gently together, being careful not to over mix. Dough will be sticky.
3. On a generously floured surface, roll out dough to 3/4 inch thickness. Stamp out 2 1/2 inch rounds with a plain pastry cutter. Transfer to prepared pan, and brush tops with egg yolk. Allow to stand for 15 minutes.
4. Bake in preheated oven until risen and lightly golden on top, 12 to 15 minutes. Remove to a rack to cool.

Source: allrecipes.com

The Best Things in Life are Free

2010-07-12T20:58:00.003-07:00

Swimming pools have the ability to immediately make me regress back to childhood. I don't know if it is the smell of chlorine or the water sloshing into my face...but swimming pools just give me a sense of calm. A sense of security where my parents are nearby and I know we'll be having a great lunch/ dinner after at the hotel restaurant...and I can have anything my little heart wanted.

I love being in the water! Life seems so much simpler as I feel my 'problems' melt away one by one. There is something about being in water that makes one stop and breathe. Perhaps it is how it makes us aware that we are human beings who are vulnerable (by not being able to breathe underwater) and inconsequential in the bigger picture.

Thank god for good friends

2010-07-12T00:39:00.005-07:00

Somedays my life just feels like a scene out of Sex & the City. After slaving on the computer all day, I decided to text a bunch of friends for dinner and they all came out. I love spur of the moment get togethers. Anyways I don't remember sharing so much laughter with a bunch of my single friends in the last little while. I've always known that my friends are there just waiting for me to emerge from my slum. And there they were...

Where: Red Robins Robson & Thurlow then our favourite hookah place on Granville

What: Dinner & Hookah

Why: Because we all needed to laugh

When: This evening after doing homework all day

Who: The girls

An all around good time! We got to do what all girls love to do...gossip about boys!! And in some drama too and it was a scandalous night!

My Life Be Like...

2010-07-08T22:47:00.006-07:00

As I look out the window of my 3rd floor apartment, I realize how very lonely my life is. Obligations of school and work have put me in a place of self-cherishing with very little time for others, even in their time of need. Who was it who said that relationships are all about give and take, and I have done nothing but take with very little giving back. My assignments and study days have become more important to me when the people I used to care about.

So it is only natural that when my time of need comes, there isn't anyone around except for my most loyal of friends. But even they have felt the strain of the relationship I am sure. Most of my relationships have been driven away one by one as I sat by and watched. A decision still needs to be made if there is any hope of restoration. Do I change my perspective and begin to consider other people's needs before my own? I can't. More like I won't. School is still the most important part of my life and I think the signal is out there loud and clear.

If I should have to choose between sacrificing a friendship/ relationship for that piece of paper, I am embarrassed to say that my actions speak louder than words.

For all my sleepless nights

2010-07-07T01:49:00.003-07:00

I've been having difficulty sleeping at night for the past little while. I chalk it to not having much to look forward to the next day. Why go to bed if all there is to look forward to is another long day of studying or guilt from not studying.

Such is my life right now.

So my friend, Melatonin, has been circling the block a few times but it might be time to quit. Side effects include nightmares, depression, fast heartbeat?!

Somedays

2010-07-07T00:27:00.006-07:00

Some days I was wake in the morning and will for it to be dark again
Some days I wake in the morning wishing the birds would stop chirping
Some days I wake in the morning and I wonder why
But of all the days...I live for the ones I wake up wondering why not

Chocolate Orange Biscotti with Almonds

2010-07-06T10:51:00.004-07:00

Who would have guessed?

Baking can actually be soothing.You wouldn't think it but it is.As my heart breaks for the umpteenth time, I turn to the mixing, combining, melting for comfort. There is obviously the eating afterwards but it almost doesn't count if you actually made it yourself. And it certainly doesn't count when you got your heart broken...again...by the same man...for the 15th time.

What is it about Julia Child?

2010-05-03T23:19:00.004-07:00

I've seen the movie, now I'm reading the book. What is it about the notion of cooking your way through a cookbook that is so intriguing? Perhaps Julia Child is a reminder of everyone's grandmother, perhaps it is her passion for cooking. An old university professor once told me that one could be anything in the world, you just have to be the best at what you do. Perhaps Julia Child is the best at what she does, which is why people are drawn to her and her story. The unwavering sense of self and what brings her joy in life. After all it isn't about out doing one another, is it? She knows what gives her joy. That, my friends, may be the most important realization yet.

On turning 30

2010-02-12T23:17:00.003-08:00

It is a couple months yet, but I'm turning 30 this year. Since I was a little girl 30 have been somewhat of a milestone. In my mind I have images of myself, of what I want to have accomplished by this age and how my life would be.

I saw myself being a successful career woman, who wears suits to work and high heels. Someone who is sophisticated, well educated and makes a good living. I also though I would be married by 30. This, I'm sure, was influenced by the fact that my mother had me when she was 29 years old; a year after they were married.

Now let's take stock of where I am. Two months shy of being 30 I am well-travelled, I am well educated. A couple of years ago I would have no problem saying I am confident and fun but this is no longer true. Well, at some level...but no. The choice to return to school has changed the person that I am and the lifestyle that I lead rather significantly. I do know, however, that the changes are only temporary and my lifestyle will change again once school is over. It will :)

So, yes. Thirty finds me in a period of transition and laying low. It may not be the most fun year of my life but it represents years of determination and dedication I have put into achieving a goal. Flanked in the middle between first year and final year, I am smack in the middle.

You may ask what my goal is...and my answer would be...that it's ever changing. I have always wanted and known that I would have a masters degree and now I am almost there. I have also always known that I would be working for an NGO and that it would take me places. Literally to foreign countries. That part has yet to materialize but it will. I am working on it.

All in all I must say that I have been pretty lucky in life. Very lucky, actually. Family that matters, a little cluster of friends who also matter and the opportunity to make my dreams come to life.

Bye Bye Forever

2010-02-01T05:53:00.006-08:00

All these years of working in social services, I have worked with many abused women. It wasn't until last year that I got a taste of what it was like to be afraid of a man.Sure, as a child, I was afraid of my mother. I still am. You have not met my mother...

My living arrangement for the past 6 months was rather peculiar. I rented out a room in a house which was shared by 2 other people. Another woman and a man. The advertisement read:

Room for rent, house to share with female roommate.

Perhaps it was just me, perhaps it wasn't but not long after moving in I had the distinct feeling there was something fishy about my new landlord. Contrary to what he will have you believe, he very much lives in the house too. He is a lonely, single, middle aged man who claims to "mostly" live in the basement while renting out the upstairs of his house...always to young single women like myself. And mostly foreign, again like myself.

The first time I met him we spent over an hour in his kitchen, with me listening and him talking. He presented himself as an honest, down to earth kinda guy who is busy and leads a healthy life. I bought into it. Until today it baffles me how I could have fallen for all of that.

It didn't take me long to realize what my parents and friends realized the first time they visited me at the house. Nobody got good vibes. As it turns out he was overly friendly and has no sense of personal space when it came to women. He always stands too close. At one point it felt like he was always rushing upstairs to the kitchen when I was there as he wanted to chat. He just seemed really desperate for attention and affection. I almost feel sorry for him. There was more than once where I've wondered if my room was bugged or had cameras hidden in it.

In the 6 months I lived there, my mother only visited once. I did not invite friends to come over often. In every event that someone was visiting, the landlord would show up in a heartbeat. I started to detest him more and more. Comments he would make to me include:

"Did you realize we've been talking a shower at the same time for the past 3 days?"

Once he even cleaned my washroom. That was the last straw, I felt violated. From that point on I was absolutely convinced that he is creepy. So began my journey to hell. As it turns out he's only really nice to you when you're behaving exactly the way he wants. Giggly and appreciative of his advances.

After the washroom incident, I confronted him. From then on my domestic life was quite the living hell. He would pick on me for every little thing and often I was afraid as he can be bossy and broody. Honestly quite scary. He held me to our 6 month contract and so I stayed. Two months of awkward existence follows. I felt like a victim. Helpless, powerless.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. The lesson I've learned, for one, is to never put myself in that situation again. I feel somewhat sorry for the girls who are still living there. It took me 2 months to get out of that situation and he almost wouldn't let me leave. Or so it felt...

Now I know. This is what it feels like to be intimidated by an abusive man. You'll be glad to know that I am out of that situation. As of 2pm yesterday, I have learned a huge, huge lesson.

P.S. Oddly enough we had a system in the house where you'd have to mark yourself in and out. So at any one time he would know how many people are there..AND our bedroom doors did not lock, or rather he didn't want them locked.

I will NEVER, EVER put myself in such a vulnerable position again. EVER!

Julie & Julia

2010-01-30T11:42:00.003-08:00

Patiently waiting for my movie to finish loading last night, I fell asleep. This morning I rolled out of bed, pressed play on the screen and waited. I sit amongst my worldly posession scattered in every direction leaving little room to walk on.

Yes, my friends. I am moving again. It lasted 6 months this time. Congratulations, good job.

Dating Fallacies Continued

2010-01-06T01:57:00.004-08:00

It is funny how reading previous posts never fail to bring a smile to my face. The last entry that had to do with my dating life was J. Two guys in a row sprung the "what do you want from me?" question. This was at the end of last year. You would be glad to know that the guy I was casually dating lasted for 2 months and the most recent one also lasted 2 months. lol. Wow, getting better by the year! Seriously, the horror stories I could tell.

Yes, this reminds me...I need to follow up on my resolution to follow through with things. Not constantly dodging matters of the heart that need addressing. This year I will learn to better relate to men (and people in general) by expressing my emotions, frustrations and concerns. Not hiding behind a brick wall facade that I have so masterfully created.

The year that will be 2010

2010-01-06T01:19:00.003-08:00

As always a new year starts with fresh resolutions. Ah, what will it be this year? To get into shape, to have more quiet time, to quit biting my finger nails?

No, this year I'll do one never before attempted in years past. However the one I have in mind is a little on the private side so let's leave that one out for now.

It's January 6th now and I've been meaning to write out a resolution in full details since the new year. #1 To Not Procrastinate

The Year That was 2009

2010-01-06T01:02:00.002-08:00

Without a doubt 2009 was one of the most challenging one for me. Come to think of it, it was perhaps THE toughest year of my life. In second place was 2005, but that's another story best left for another time.

What made 2009 so difficult?

The year started off with lots of undue stress and pressure from school. The first four months took everything out of me. At the end of that semester I was left with a couple of B grades and a whole new condition known as panic attacks.

Summer '09 saw me quitting my full-time job and moving to a cheaper place. While this living situation appeared to be great at the beginning, it was not what I had expected. It was less than ideal but at least school was going a little better.

Fall '09 went by with such a blur I can't even remember most of it. Oh yes, practicum 1 started and once again panic attacks lingered. It still does. If you've ever had a panic attack you'll know how exhausting it can be. I remembered a GP offering to prescribe some medication after having talked to me for 5 minutes but alas, I refused.

In a sense 2009 was a year gone without any event of great significance. It was a year sacrificed to school and a piece of paper.

Men came and went, ones whom I am no longer in contact with even. But alas, what is a girl to do.

Half a Year and Counting

2009-11-07T03:57:00.002-08:00

June was the last time I wrote in this blog. Six months and I do believe there is a lot to show for it. Work, love, friendship. So perhaps an update is due.

The Echo of Hearts Breaking All Around the World

2009-06-05T22:58:00.003-07:00

A strange thing happened today.

While I was laying on the futon reading Brida by Coelho, two close friends of mine called to talk about issues of the heart. One from the east, one from the west.

Eastern Heartbreak

My bestest friend in the world called from the eastern side of the world today to talk about her guy whom she had decided might not be the best thing for her right now. *hugs* Good on you for setting boundaries and knowing your limits, Chica. Whatever the outcome, I think you did right by yourself today.

Western Heartbreak

Later in the day a friend of mine from the western side of the world called in a state of utter distress. Once again a guy has somehow managed to creep into her life and throw everything out of whack. Confused and lost she doesn't know what to do.

Heartbreak somewhere in the middle

Perhaps a part of my heart will always remain broken for as long as I shall live. For as long as I am not with my soul mate, anyways. Oddly enough these two people who mean the world to me should call on a day where I have been reading Brida, written by my favourite author Paulo Coelho.

The protagonist in this book, on a path to seek out magic, learns that we are all seeking one and the same thing. A soul mate. Our life is driven by this search for the one that would complete us. The one whose eyes hold all the answers to life, to the universe, to love.

It feels like we've come full-circle. In a certain post eons ago, I remember asking the question of whether you and I believe in soul mates.

Now at the end of the circle, I'm more inclined to say yes than ever before. It would answer the question of how some people just "know" they've met the one. A true soul mate.

I've felt that with one man, and one man only. Which part of the world he is in right now, I do not know. Who are the people he surrounds himself with, I do not know. Would he ever come home, I still do not know. And I do not know if I'll ever see him or talk to him again. But I do know that time means nothing in the context of the universe.

"In a matter of only a few hours, I experienced the love of a lifetime." Coelho

My point is this. We are all on a search together, we all want the same thing. Some of us find it, some of us don't but to stop trying is to have given up. Life will cease to hold meaning when that happens.

So my dear friends, I wish all of us luck and courage to stay on this path. Our ancestors have fought and died for great love for centuries before. If it is all that they have claimed it to be then perhaps having a little faith won't hurt.

Behold the Grinch of Romance

2009-05-25T16:30:00.003-07:00

A thing I can't stand about people in libraries is talking. So naturally I would attract a young Thai couple who would come share the seat across from me at the very same table.

Not only were they talking, they were making out!

Annoyed beyond belief at this point, I could do little more that sit back and scowl at them from across the table. The last thing I need when trying to wrap my head around correlation coefficients and confidence intervals is the pair of them sucking faces at such close proximity.

I decided to go for a breather. A chocolate bar and half a bag of M&Ms later I feel a little bit better.

Somewhere between trying to manage school and working my ass off I've turned into a grinch of romance. Of course every relationship would ideally start with people not being able to take their hands off each other.

As I'm writing this a thought comes to mind. Just you guys wait, arguing and complications will follow suit, just you wait.

Must-not-harbour-ill-will-towards-others.Skin-will-start-turning-a-dry-crusty-green.

The Mysterious Ticket

2009-05-24T23:31:00.006-07:00

I found a book at the library (imagine that?!) today which I'm pretty excited to read.

As I was flipping through the pages, a bus ticket fell out.

It was dated We.Ja.23 11:12 P -1-

The ticket marked page 13 of the book. I'm sitting here at 11.42pm of May 24th wondering who this person is. Male/female? Age? Ethnicity? Place of residence? What's her/ his story?

Considering that it is a one zone ticket, we know that the person probably lives in Burnaby. It is not a concession ticket so this person is an adult.

Wednesday, January 23 is of 2008. This ticket has either been in there for awhile or it belonged to somebody who recently fished it out of a pocket from last year. This seems more plausible.

Why did said person stop reading at page 13? Perhaps the marker was intended for the quote on that page which reads - "Since you've been gone I can do whatever I want."

Happiness: Possibility or Dream?

2009-04-24T18:50:00.002-07:00

You know the saying that we all eventually become our parents?

Is that not a scary thought?

See, for as long as I can remember my parents were never truly happy and content. It took me a whole 2 weeks of living with them again to be reminded of the very reason why I fought so hard to put some distance between them and myself. In that sense, I have done well for myself.

It took 2 weeks for me to get sucked into the whole mess again. The screaming, the bitching, the hate and contempt for another human being.

Why is it that we are the meanest to the people we love the most? What kind of world is it that we live in where people guard against showing others how much they care, but do not hesitate to show contempt when wronged (or at least assess themselves to have been wronged.)

I don't get it.

And they wonder why I refuse to settle down. While I do not blame my parents for much in my life, they play a big part in my not wanting to get stuck in a life I hate. Although it is rather difficult to imagine me sacrificing my peace of mind in settling for 'less than' conditions, I admit to walking away way too quickly.

Is it worth it?

What makes people stay in life situations where they find themselves miserable beyond normal misery (if there is such a thing?)

Admittedly life can feel pretty shitty somedays but at least I'm not stuck. And everyday that I wake up in the morning, I'm going to thank god for that.

For the courage to not settle for the life I do not want.

It has taken me a long time to come to this conclusion but perhaps I do not want a conventional life. My life so far has been anything but conventional. So what makes me think I will suddenly wake up one day and want completely different things?

Our values, ideals, perspectives did not form overnight. Accordingly they will not disband overnight either. I keep waiting and waiting for the day I will wake up and find myself happy in a life so many others before me had found comfort in.

Lots of good that did me.

Panic attacks were the result. Doing things that were not true to my heart. I had somehow managed to talk myself into wanting a full-time job, a house and possibly 2.5kids, a mini-van and a successful career. Package A.

Seriously, for those of you who know me...do you see me staying home cooking 3 meals a day for my 2.5 kids? Fussing about in my kitchen all day cooking food with love for my family? Driving them to and from school and ball practise etc?

For the longest time I've somehow thought that I could want this. But I don't. It isn't me, I know this. But wanting different things bring about a sense of guilt in me greater than you can imagine.

Is it wrong to want to be different? Perhaps the question isn't even that. The thing is, I AM different.

I'm Not That Into Me (right now)

2009-04-21T20:27:00.003-07:00

It has been almost a month since I have last worked. By that I mean at my paid place of employment. In that same month I have, though, been writing one paper after another for school. My life is a living hell and thus, I'm not that into me (right now) for making it so.

How did it get to this?

At one point or another, forgiveness is necessary but for now I hate this. The entire semester has been a gong show and the final curtains are being drawn with me nowhere in sight. How is it that the entire semester had come and gone without me? Once again 90% of the work was left to the last minute.

I hate the situation, not so much myself, but some. I had to let it happen in order for it to get to this. This semester consisted of me having a nervous breakdown. And now I'm hiding out at my parents' home because I am not yet ready to face the world. Actually, I am but there is this small matter of an 18 page paper that refuses to take care of itself despite my best efforts.

One month of eating, stressing and being in front of my computer does not wonders to one's figure. Bloatedness is a condition I live with on a daily basis. Eating, sleeping and writing is all that my days are. I feel gross and disgusted with myself. And the stupid papers I've had to do. This is it, this is the homestretch.

One more paper to write and I'm home free to do all the reading and discussions I've missed throughout the semester. Yay to that! Not. Then there is a little matter of having one week between semesters. Which isn't really time off because I have so much reading to catch up on.

Stuck, stuck, stuck.

I am stuck in a life I do not want to lead. This is not the person I've worked so hard to become. How does one do this for 2 more years? At the back of my head, I know this is a great opportunity for me. This piece of paper will take me place, it will open up doors that I've always imagined. I just need to have faith in myself, my abilities and the universe.

Enrolling in school was a choice I made. It is a commitment. I hate commitments.

At the end of the day, what matters?

2009-04-01T22:01:00.003-07:00

Have you ever gotten so swept up in the rat race that you don't remember what day it is? Or feel yourself escalating into a full fledged panic attack with every passing moment? Have you gotten to the point where all you want to do is sleep all day and shut the blinds forever? Yeah, definitely signs of anxiety and depression.

For the past 2 weeks I've been this person. Only that I did not get to sleep and still had 8 weeks worth of back-logged school work to do. For the past 3 days, I've been glued to my computer from the moment I wake up until it is time to go to bed. This is NOT the life I want.

Unfortunately (or fortunately) I'm not the type to sacrifice myself for a later good. Maybe I was, which is what lead me into this rut in the first place. But no more. What if I were to die tomorrow? Today? Tonight? It would have been such a shame to have wasted the past 2 months in this chronic state of anxiety. This is not what the universe intended natural life to be.

I've given notice to quit my job. Done and done. Nothing is worth this bullshit.

On Taking Transit & New Year's Resolutions

2009-01-01T01:52:00.004-08:00

There is something about taking the bus that almost stops time. With my car buried under snow, transit has been my mode of transportation for the past few weeks. Can't say I haven't enjoyed it immensely. Weird, huh?

Taking the bus/ sky train is almost a humbling experience. It reminds me of how lucky I am to have all the things I have. Some people take transit because they have to, I take it because I want to. There are all kinds of people on the bus. It makes me feel more real, more connected.

Forced interaction is also a feature I enjoy. lol. When people talk to you at the bus stop, what can you do but smile and enter into a conversation. Today for instance, a drunken older east indian man walked by the bus stop and wished everyone a happy new year. While everyone else stared at him like he was nuts, I flashed him the biggest smile I could and wished him a happy new year back. It was hilarious.

Running to my bus stop is also quite amusing. Phone and coffee in one hand, music and keys in the other, you'll see me bolting down the street trying to not slip on all that ice out there. Apart from the looks that people have given me thinking I'm this insane messy woman, I also enjoy the looks of admiration from boys and old drunken men alike :) I'll have you guys know that, not one...but two very drunk old men have tried to pick me up at the bus stop. Lol, gotta love transit. I'm hoping one of these days it will be a younger, more sober boy who will offer to pay for coffee or drinks...

Today was a good preview into the year to come.

1. I went to the dentist to get my teeth looked at (taking care of myself, very important.)

2. While waiting in line to get Chinese food, an elderly lady who is almost 90 and I chatted away about the importance of eating onions. She has whiskers all over her chin and lips it was pretty funny. She obviously wanted to talk some more but the line moved and we had to part. I wanted to ask her to sit down to chat more, but didn't. Perhaps next year I will...

3. Walked in my neighbourhood, buying fruits and veges from little stores. It felt good, it felt like I was in a different country. It felt a little like an adventure.

4. Received a letter in the mail from a friend who had come to visit recently. It was unexpected and she reminded me about the trip we were planning on doing this coming year to central america. From then on, my day was spent day dreaming about travelling, of course. Yes, this is my thing to look forward to this year.

5. Well wishes from people via calling, texting, emailing...made me feel good. Spoke with an old friend of mine, M. And at one point we were giggling like school girls and that reminded me of how in order to get love, all you need to do is give. I heart you, chica!! You're like the sister I never had. No offence to my wonderful lil brother, but...sisters are different.

I'm thinking that I didn't call my parents today. I'll text them now, right away.

There is so much to look forward to in 2009. I resolve to go back to simplicity and being me. Not the me I've become but the me I always have been. No pretense, no hiding, no fear. I'm simple, life is simple, love is simple.

Welcome to 2009.

A little midnight pick me upper

2008-12-09T03:34:00.002-08:00

Now that school is out, I was searching the web for guitar chords and guess what I found. Alley cats! Are they ancient, or are they ancient? I would not be my father's daughter if I couldn't play at least one of their songs. This one is awesome. Here's the translation for what the lyrics mean.

If you're gonna love again - Alleycats

If you're gonna love again,
love with all your heart.

If you're gonna love again,
please take care of his heart.

You, who have picked him
without even thinking thinking about me.

Now I get to pray,
that you'll be happy with him.

If you're gonna love again, love with all your heart.
If you're gonna love, please watch his heart.

I can't stand in your way,
you've made up your mind.

Just let me remember,
things that I can't seem to forget.

Goodbye, I shall leave you be.

This song is so upbeat to sing to but also so sad. Can't seem to figure out what tone to use, really. It is hopeful yet, sad for the person singing it.

Breka on Fraser

2008-12-07T02:20:00.005-08:00

Location: South Fraser St

Weather: Cold & wet

Tone: Busy, fairly high turnover, tables placed so close to each other you can eavesdrop on an entire conversation

Crowd: mostly young, a mix of international students and everyone else

Staff: chats with friends

Washroom: ordinary

Blunder of the day: When a boy smiles at you, smile back. Don't turn your back and ignore him. Think - friendly, cuteness not relative

Note: If you haven't already noticed, I'm on a mission - to learn the art of being a tall-non-fat- americano drinking, biscotti eating, laptop carrying city dweller.

2008-12-07T02:05:00.003-08:00

Location: Starbucks at 22 & Oak
Weather: Cold (if you sit by door)
Tone: Quiet, condusive to studying
Staff: Obviously gay and excited about Vegas
Washroom: No key, toilet paper holder way too far to reach
Blunder of the day: Completely missed the sugar & milk bar

Note: Life is short, be who you want. A wise teacher once said that you have to try out new roles. At the beginning we may behave the extremes of the role but keep at it and you'll find a happy medium.

Life

2008-12-04T02:40:00.002-08:00

ALmost turning 30 is not sitting very well with me at this point. Being this age comes with a lot of 'shoulds.' I suppose we could explore the shoulds, it is only natural but perhaps another time.

What are my life lessons then? I've had 28 years to live, what have I learned?

1. It's all relative and nothing is concrete. Life is fluid, life is change.

Nothing to 16 years

2008-11-30T23:19:00.002-08:00

S.S. would like to add you as a friend - Accept.

Man, what a blast from the past. Yesterday a teacher of mine from primary school appeared on facebook out of nowhere. Wow! It has been 16 years since I've last seen him and fair enough, he looks so much older. It blew my mind just how much has happenned since then. The years have gone by so quickly and yet not.

Staying Focused

2008-09-16T00:35:00.002-07:00

If anyone has ideas for staying focused, I'd love to hear them.

It was not until the past week that the full implications of taking on school set in. There was an assignment due (obviously I had left it until the last minute) and lots of back logged readings to do. I'm going to ignore those. Start with readings of this week.

It is stressful, I'm not going to lie. With the first assignment late, I was in total panic mode. Thus not getting anywork done except in working myself up.

So yeah, this week I've been logging onto my school website everyday. Well, it IS only Monday today...But think I'm starting to understand what is required of me in terms of allocating time. Please wish me well dear friends. It almost feels like a make or break situation.

I know I will make it work some how and at the end of the 3 years I'll look back and wonder at how the hell things got done. But off and on, don't be put off by my discouragement. It is part of the process.

A commitment to do well

2008-09-12T16:56:00.004-07:00

Duh, how I've managed to survive this long is way beyond me. You would think that people who can't tell the difference between 12am and 12 pm would have been wiped out by natural selection eons ago.

So 2nd week of classes came and went.

Boo-boo #1:

Ethics assignment was due 12pm which means in the afternoon, idiot!
Verdict: 5 hours late in submitting first assignment. Great.

Boo-boo #2:

Missed two live class-room session.

Boo-boo #3: Failed to submit discussions for week 1 and 2 for both class. Excellent.

So you know, at this point I'm thinking online, distance ed is so not my thing!! Holy fuck! What's a girl to do. Study. Yeah, all day tomorrow I'll be burying my head in a book. Oh did I say tomorrow? I meant all day, everyday for the rest of my life!

2008-08-30T23:25:00.007-07:00

The buzz of people rushing from one place to another, the energy and excitement, the aliveness was almost too much. That's right folks it is back to school soon.

The student community is truly a special one. It is as if they live in a world of their own. Being a student once again, it feels like I have re-entered the bubble. It is almost as if one's slate can been cleared with 5 simple words. "I'm going back to school."

It is no wonder I walk with a lighter step these days. Being a student exempts you from many responsibilities. One highest on my list is that I no longer have to act mature and all responsible and in control of my life. It is almost a given that the life of a student is somewhat chaotic.

Going to school almost gives you a grace period where all judgements are suspended. Nevermind that you're not successful now, but you're a student and one day you will be. It is almost a whispered mantra. It is almost a promise.

So, yes. I am excited and happy to be a student once more.

And yes, I am shamelessly basking in the glory of being a grad student. The look of surprise and awe on the faces of people when they find out. Are we a species of our own? Whether it is true or not, myths certainly exist. Here are some of my general impressions when someone tells me he/she is in grad school..

This person:

a) is very smart.
b) must have an in to the secret society.
c) is dedicated.
d) deserves respect.

So yeah I suppose in this day of everyone having an undergrad degree, a graduate student does deserve some respect. Holy shit, if nothing else, it certainly took a lot of dedicated in following through with the gruelling application process!! That in itself took one entire year.

Holy fuck, it has been a ride. And studying doesn't even start until Tuesday.

Everyone Loves a Westy - Summer of 2008

2008-08-30T12:02:00.008-07:00

2008-08-09T12:40:00.001-07:00

A New Beginning into the Past

2008-07-22T22:18:00.004-07:00

Two emails today from school confirmed it, I am officially a student again. You know what that entails, though. No money for any entertainment. Nor anything else for that matter.

What have I committed myself to? Three years of paying off school!! Oh my gawd. Can I truly live the life of a hungry, starving student again? Almost 50% of my month's paycheck will go towards tuition. 35% towards rent. 20% towards my car. Yeah, that makes up 105 % already! And with what money do I pay for groceries or any form of entertainment?? Savings? Hah! What savings?!

Yep! That's that. Didn't quite think of all that when I applied, did I?

Lol. At the same time this is all very exhilarating. My program consists of 26 people, all of whom I'm very excited to meet at orientation. I'll bet you most people are a lil older.

Books! OMG I need to be buying text books soon! And I'll be needing a desk. And stationeries I intend to be stealing from work...

Soooo exciting. A world of notebooks, words and highlighters again!! I'll be paying dearly for it but it is all in hope that it will pay off.

In 3 years I will have a MEd in Counselling Psychology. See you at the finish line, yo.

At the end of the day...

2008-07-14T21:49:00.002-07:00

Yes, it's draining.

Yes, it is emotionally taxing.

Yes, it is makes me want to jump up and down in frustration.

Yes, it might as well be paying in Monopoly money.

Yes, some days I leave work wanting to bawl my eyes out.

Yes, when I wake up at 5am every morning I want to scratch my eyes out.

Yes, sometimes it challenges my beliefs to the very core.

And yes, at the end of the day it is all worth it.

Burnout...

2008-07-06T22:48:00.003-07:00

is fast approaching.

Work is aging me 10X the normal speed. My choice of action today meant for a woman that she has to sleep on the streets. While it is her actions that first led us into this situation, it makes for a tough heart to not feel a little uneasy.

Today is one of those - is this really the right job for me-days.

The biggest challenge is to fight off bitterness when it spits in your face all day long. While I have to keep telling myself that people are innately good, proof of the contrary is what I see and deal with on a daily basis.

Where are my fellow freedom fighters? Where are my inspirations? Where are my allies in this fight to trust in the goodness of people?

In this time of ugliness, from where can I draw strength?

A time when the many faces of addiction, abuse, conflict, hopelessness, sadness, despair, disappointment stare me square in the eyes? When they look to me for a life line all I can do is look away. I feel their despair. I share it.

Perhaps in their lives of constant chaos, this is but another juncture of shitiness. For me who have led a sheltered life, this is jumping into a pool of gunk and not knowing how to swim in it. Not to say that anyone should be swimming in gunk. Heavens, no. Nobody deserves gunk....

The world is an ugly place - by Ana

The world is an ugly place in the slurring of my words.

The world is an ugly place in the stumbling of my foot (usually over my other one)

The world is an ugly place in my blood shot eyes.

The world is an ugly place in my shameful lies.

The world is an ugly place in the smell of my body, unwashed for weeks.

The world just got uglier, the day I live on the streets.

Today I Feel Good

2008-06-20T11:11:00.002-07:00

Thanks to a certain Mr. Eckhart Tolle my day is just that little bit brighter today. In conjunction with therapy sessions, things are looking pretty good. After all is that not all we can hope for? That our perspective on life gets better bit by bit. The way we choose to look at life today will be the life we lead tomorrow if not today.

2008-06-01T21:50:00.003-07:00

Perhaps it is the lack of sleep, perhaps it is the fact that I am waiting, perhaps it is my many insecurities but tonight I've been in such a bitchy mood. After snapping at a friend of mine over the phone, I had to text her to apologize for my bitchy demeanour. I can't fucking spell demeanor. Yes, definitely a combination of factors.

Alls I feel like doing right now is bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch,bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch...bitch...bitch...bi...t...c...h...

Dating Fallacies: An Update

2008-06-01T00:25:00.002-07:00

Dating Fallacies, dated May 13th contd.

Last weekend GFDF (guy-from-dating-fallacies) and I went out for the second time. We went for a walk along the beach, dinner and hungout on his balcony for the rest of evening. It was nice until he asked me the ever looming question, "what do you want from me?"

True enough, I did a double take.

Err, isn't it a little early to tell? Anyways as in my true nature I freaked out and fucked up yet again. In my mind that is. Having somehow evaded the question with a smile and another question, he let it go. Not for long.

Two days later he called saying that we needed to talk. Uh-oh, trapped into an adult conversation. Shit.

Contrary to my ever pessimistic POV, it went really well. It ended up with us both expressing interest in continuing to get to know each other. I like him, I really do.

But maybe that isn't enough. I am scared shitless. Waiting, waiting, waiting....for an opportunity for me to mess things up as always when it comes to matters of the heart. Patience and perhaps not forgetting to live my own life. Coz that's what I do, everything goes on hold.

No, not this time. Friends are friends. Work is work. My life and ambitions are what they are. I'm not putting my life on hold, waiting for a guy again.

C'est la Vie

2008-05-19T00:31:00.003-07:00

You know, all we can do is go for what we want when we know what we want. The rest is up to fate, luck and the universe. There is no sense in stressing over stuff you can't control. Right? And when you can control something, then do. Even then, there is no need to stess out. Be clear about what you want.

Know your bottom line. Your deal breakers.

Dating Fallacies

2008-05-13T22:19:00.003-07:00

Synonyms: blockhead, cretin, dodo, dolt, donkey, dope, dork [slang], dumbbell, dummy, dunce, fathead, goon, half-wit, ignoramus, imbecile, jackass, knothead, moron, nincompoop, ninny, nitwit, numskull (or numbskull), pinhead, simpleton, stock, turkey

Yep, any of those would adequately describe what I think of myself right now. Or all of the above even.

So last night yours truly decided to bite the bullet and went to meet this blind date I've been talking to for a few weeks now. Going in already kinda liking him, I was evidently nervous. Plus I had just gotten off work and did not look my best. Doh.

We decided to meet at a busy intersection, mistake number one.

Then we headed out to dinner. My mistake. Since dude had already eaten it ended up with him watching me eat. That was quite a disaster. This is after me taking 30mins to order my food, thus giving him the impression that I didn't like the place he chose.

Alright so we were talking and the conversation was good. Me trying to keep my mouth shut and let the guy talk while he yaps away. It went very well for awhile, he seemed engaged in it and I thought it was interesting. Cool.

After a lil while more I realize that he's talking about other girls. Uh-oh, not a good sign. Everyone knows that you don't talk about other girls or guys if you're interested in who you're with right. Oh, shit, oh, shit...definitely not a good sign.

He wanted to talk a bit about relationships and his past experiences on dates and whatnot. Err...what the hell.

Another tell tale sign of how well a date is going has to do with how much touching there is. Minimal. Well it didn't help that we were sitted in an awkward position at the restaurant. Gahhh!

Oh-My-Fuckin-God. How difficult does dating have to be??

So we lasted about 3 hours. Not bad for a first date. At the end it was I who fucked up I think. Please bear in mind that I've been very, very tired lately. We walked back to said intersection, I avoided his eyes and mumbled, "give me a call sometime." And get this, I turned and walked away. He mumbled, "sure."

What is wrong with me?! That is so NOT how you say goodbye to a boy you want to see again. Oh my gawd!!! Idiot!

So yeah I had a good time, would love to see him again. But today is the next day and he hasn't called yet.

lol. Who the hell knew it could be so tough. This is way more work than I had signed up for!! lol

In the middle of the night...

2008-05-09T01:56:00.003-07:00

I feel like bashing my head into a wall to get rid of this motherfuckin pain in the back of my head. Sorry about the profanity but this whole cycle of sleeping for 2-3hours each night is fucking with my internal clock big time.

It isn't even like I have a routine of sleeping during the day and not being able to sleep during the night. At this point, I'll be lucky to get in any sleep at all.

Sleep pattern:

Thursday: 1hour @ 5am, 3 hours @ 9pm

Wednesday: 2hours @ 3am, 2 hours @4pm

Holy fuckin god, somebody please get rid of this constant dull in the back of my head. Icing on the cake? Definitely the intermitted 10-12 hour shifts at a highly stressful work place.

A Thing of Nature

2008-05-08T00:35:00.003-07:00

Should friendships and relationships be hard work? Sometimes that is what it feels like. There is so much guessing in both and by the time you're done there still aren't any answers?

Does this make sense? Or is it just me?

As we get older is there just more and more analyzing? More questions? Do we become more self-conscious of our actions? Or is it possible to sail through life without the constant second guessing in the back burner that is our mind?

That is the approach I shall try to live with. What's the point in interpreting everything? Events are events, actions are actions, things said remain things said. As far as I'm concerned life is good until proven not. lol.

Ugh my head hurts like a sonovabitch. A morning shift tomorrow to screw up my row of night shifts. Excellent. It was my choice though, I need the work. Suck it in and stop complaining!

Fading, fading, fading

2008-05-05T04:27:00.002-07:00

After 2 nights of the graveyard shift, my head is perpetually aching. Thank god the whole of this week I have normal shifts. It's 4.30am and I can't sleep. My eyes are burning, my head hurts. Alls a girl can ask for is some sleep.

Bruised, Beaten & Mangled

2008-05-03T17:41:00.003-07:00

That's the population of people I work with. People who have been through a whole lot of shit in their lives and haven't ended up at a good place in this game we call life. Abused, hopeless...they have no where to go. So yes, I work with the homeless population of my city.

This is day two and already I'm approaching burnout. People are constantly stressed out, crying, and feeling dejected. Where has all my training gone? What of self-care? I'm trainned for this. As if thrown into a burning pot of flames, I feel myself having to develop a thick skin, coat my heart with layers and layers of film to not be drawn into the darkness.

I can do it. I am meant to do this.

Gotta Love Rentals

2008-04-27T23:22:00.001-07:00

It is just as well that I'm beginning to think about eventually buying my own place. I've had it with rentals. You never know what you're gonna get. Right now for instance, there is a man sleeping in the room right next to my bedroom and he's snoring!! !%&^#@$&

What the hell! lol!

Momentary Lapse

2008-04-22T11:14:00.002-07:00

Patience, patience, patience.

Things WILL work out! They will!

A Life of Vicariousness

2008-04-20T14:13:00.004-07:00

So yes, day 3. I'm still watching Sex & the City. Yep you've got it, from the time I woke up until now. This is horrible, horrible, horrible. No worries, I'm quickly running out of DVDs to watch. Hopefully this slum will be over sooner rather than later.

Is it worrisome that I didn't care about a potentially hazardous situation when it happenned?

11.30pm I was walking down Robson street with some guy and there he was. My disaster date from a few weeks ago. He must have seen me. It was just him and us. For 2 seconds I thought to myself, "what do I do?" Then I hung my head low, walked just that bit quicker and it was over. My disaster was gone. Thankfully without event.

Contrary to what people often say, dating is not always fun and games. It is sooooo much work. So much so that I find sitting home with my tv and a bunch of dvds more appealing.

Confession: Addicted to Sex & the City

2008-04-19T19:04:00.003-07:00

Today makes the 2nd day I've stayed home all day watching Sex & the City. Is this healthy? No. But it has to do with my new DVD player. Two days later I'm almost done with Episode 13 of Season 4. Holy shit!

And yes, it is still on right now as I'm writing this.

Judge me if you will, it's just something I can identify with. It's like the 4 characters represent a different part of each woman. Samantha the slutty one. Carrie the funny & witty one. Miranda the career minded one. Charlotte the sweet one. They are all a part of us.

A Question of...What?

2008-04-15T16:06:00.003-07:00

Sometimes I wonder if hell is where I'll end up. Or could it be the very situation I'm living in right now.

Mum is here in Van for a few days again. It was my birthday yesterday and she came out to celebrate it with me. I wonder if it was more for me or an excuse to make a trip out here for her. Perhaps a combination of both. While it is much appreciated, it was 2 days filled with stress. Yet again she kept insisting on buying me things I don't need. And I'll have to battle her with essays upon essays on how I don't need this or that. Or that I would rather wait until I find one I really like. She doesn't understand that my life is simple and I'd like to keep it that way.

A few hours into her trip here it all begins.

Out of nowhere, of course, she begins talking about issues of our family. Lots of which I am NOT INTERESTED IN!! Subconsciously this is also a reason I've moved away from the island. For the hundreth time, let me say this. My family is dysfunctional. It feels like a burden.

And perhaps even within my family, some people do not understand how I choose to be impartial. I have been accused of not caring and not wanting to help. This is not fair. For years I have lived in the situation of being stuck in a fight I had no part in. It has absolutely nothing to do with me. And yet so many years when we've all lived under one roof, and even when we didn't, I have let myself be brought down by the unhappiness of others. Seeing family members hurting is not something enjoyable nor it is pleasant.

At the risk of getting depressed myself, I choose to walk away. Is this avoidance? Perhaps it is, but what choice do I have? This fight has nothing to do with me and I have learned in numerous situations before that getting myself involved always does not end well. It involves a lot of yelling and getting angry and petty backstabbing. I choose to walk away from this.

I just can't do it.

Everyone wants to talk to me about it but I don't want to be involved. Mum will complain about dad and my brother. Dad and my brother will want to talk about mum. I want no part in this petty fight. We all have choices. If they choose to be stuck in a situation like that so be it.

With mum being here, she has brought this with her. I feel stuck, I feel suffocated, I feel my peace and this little haven I've created for myself infringed upon. So you see, it is not that I don't love my family, or want for things to be better. I just don't see what I can do to help the situation. It is not my fight.

The One With the Flat Tire

2008-04-11T15:53:00.002-07:00

12pm : Met up with C in Richmond for Lunch
3.30pm: Dropped off papers at work
5pm: Dropped off C and discovered a loud hissing sound
5.01pm: Helplessly watched as air gushes out of the front left tire
5.02pm : I've officially got a flat!!

So yesterday was quite an adventure, as it always is leaving my place. Everything seems new and unchartered. The surroundings, the experiences, the things I need to do. So yeah, it's exciting but so is staying home and fussing over my new place :) Did a half ass job with windows and blinds today but that's as good as it's gonna get! lol.

Tomorrow I'm off to do an Emergency Child Care First Aid course so that should be yet another adventure. Believe it or not I'm almost all adventured out. lol!! And almost everything else is ready for work, so yay. One step at a time and we'll get there.

Beginning of a New Dawn

2008-04-08T11:26:00.002-07:00

And as such my new life has begun.

A week ago today I moved back to Van. Up until yesterday it was a flurry of buying furniture, odds and ends, arranging and rearranging furniture, andwhat have you. Now I have most of what I need. Except for a bucket, some storage racks...

Yesterday was the turning point. I actually left the house to do something for work. It won't be another 2 weeks or so before I get to start. There's so much to do before. This weekend I will get myself certified for ChildSafe. Then there's that doctor's note to deal with. One small problem. I don't have a family doctor. Will have to go in search for one in the next few days.

It really isn't fair to beat myself down about not getting things sorted sooner for work. I've been busy moving! That's fair enough isn't it? Gawd, I so crave validation right now.

Despite being scared shitless, I went to my first Cardio Hip Hop class last night. It turned out to be fun and low stress. It is so like me to assume the worst. In my mind's eye prior to going I thought the class would be filled with hard bodied 20 somethings in posh workout gear. How wrong I was, so that's good. The instructor though couldn't have been older than 18. She moves nice.

K, I'm off to go call work to explain my tardiness. Wish me luck.

Oh yeah, last night unexpectedly this guy messaged me. He seems nice (as much as can be assumed through text.) But that's not the most exciting part. He's crazy about scuba diving!

The One That You Want Ooohhh Ohhh OooOHhhhh

2008-03-31T23:19:00.002-07:00

Isn't it funny how the one that you want is precisely the one you can't have? Well that's ironically true for me anyways. Much, much, much to my disappointment.

Ah well, bygones. You know, maybe it has to do with the signals that we send out.

So life....

As it turns out things are starting to get interesting and exciting. The past couple of days have been busy packing days for me. Tomorrow I'll be moving the rest of my stuff over to Van and into my new place. Mum and Dad are coming with me, yay!

So yeah I'm super duper excited to actually see what this suite is like. The last time I went to see it, the place was packed with the life belongings of the previous tenant. Tomorrow it will be a blank slate, just for me! Although I don't have very much furniture to start with, it is still exciting. Can't wait!

Ohhh get this, I've also checked out the recreation centres around my new area (Little India!) and there's this one that does offer cool dance classes. Looks like things are getting along nicely now. I've found a little place to live that I love, in a neighbourhood that I love, a job that I could possibly come to love...reconnected with some friends...looking forward to meeting new ones.

Life is just pretty exciting right now. I've also found a library that's to be my home branch. Right now what's left is to look for a cool volunteer job and a place to take drumming lessons. I'm on my way to a Happy, Healthy Life! Yay!

Date.Com

2008-03-24T02:27:00.003-07:00

In my pursuit of love and lust, there have been boys of all kinds. I've gone out with Indian boys, Chinese Boys, White Boys, Pakistani Boys (actually just one of this kind) and who knows which else. Online dating knows no boundaries.

In this day and age, dot com dating is in almost every single person's "been there, done that" list. Many of my friends have tried it, friends of friends have tried it. And the funny thing is, the part people enjoy most seem to be where you share horror date stories with your friends after. I now have one that will top most of my friend's stories in the past little while. Yay, me!

Having been on the I'll-ignore-you-forever-after-the-first-meeting end of the bargain, I'm finding it really difficult to do that to others. It really bears down on a person's self-esteem. However, it is also not right to say yes to someone whom you have no interest in even as friends.

I suppose it is also wrong to say yes to someone just for the sake of entertainment, right? Because you have nothing better to do? Or that you just wanted to practise your dating skills? Perhaps it is wrong to do but cest la vie. My new philosophy about dating, men and the such...the more you not care, the more they will chase. Let's test out this new philosophy for a bit. Let it cruise.

Single Girl in the City

2008-03-23T14:08:00.004-07:00

What exactly is it that every single girl in the city needs? Love and sex. Both of which I'm NOT getting, much to my chagrin. Don't get me wrong it's not like I'm not pursuing both like my life depended on them. Nevermind job hunting, nevermind that I'll be booted out of my downtown apartment in a little over a week with no alternatives lined up. In a week and one day, I will be homeless. Strangely enough, I couldn't care less.

There comes a certain point in a single girl's life where all she can think of is herself. Nevermind anyone else, all I need is fun at whatever cost. And if other people get hurt, it is their business. I've gotten my share of being let down, so suck it up and bear yours.

Two nights now I've come home pissed drunk. One night of which, lotsa puking was involved. Again, strangely enough this feels right. If this is what I need to do to become the person I want to be then so be it. It's all a process.

In the week (exactly one week today actually) that I've been here, I've gone on 2 blind dates, danced like there was no tomorrow, gotten pissed drunk, went on a million walks, cried so hard I wanted to die, laughed so hard I wanted to die, made eyes at a gay guitarist, being hit on, rubbed shoulders with druggies in the nastiest part of town (at 11pm and seriously feared for my life.) I've also hated my friends, loved my friends. Missed my friends. Snubbed my friends, being snubbed. Spending lotsa money I don't already have.

And you know what? All with a shit may care attitude. I seriously don't care. Perhaps this is the rebellious teenage phase that I didn't really go through in my younger days. It had to happen sooner or later. But somehow it feels a little different. It feels like I have power now and I'm not afraid to use it. If other people get hurt, other people get hurt. I don't really give a fuck.

Apathy will be my greatest downfall.

Thanks to a certain Mr. F, I have learned the lesson of never being in a situation where I'd care more for the person than the person cares for me. It's all about having fun, no more, no less.

A Born Again Vancouverite

2008-03-18T21:17:00.002-07:00

Soo, today is my second full day in Van and I'm loving it. Apart from not having much money to spend things are going well. I've met up with some friends and there are others I have yet to meet.

Yesterday we went out for coffee, then dessert. Today it was dinner. I love eating out! Gawd, can't wait to get a job so I can afford to do it everyday! Haha, I live in the heart of downtown after all. Whatelse is there to do! Haha.

The whole job situation is still bugging me, and this whole not having a place to live. I've had a few offers for places to stay with friends and one job offer from my roommate which I'm not super keen on. So I guess things could be worse. I just wish a miracle would happen and everything would fall into place, just like I wanted.

And it will happen, just not right now.

On an exciting note, Jack Johnson is coming to town in August!

Moving Day

2008-03-16T11:38:00.003-07:00

Holy whoa! I am totally pumped up on adrenalin. Today is moving dayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

It's so scary but exciting all at the same time. This not knowing what to expect, this not knowing if I'll be coming back in 2 weeks, this not knowing if I'll find another place to move after...this not knowing what kinda job I'm gonna end up with. This not knowing anything is exhilarating. Heck, I don't even know if my car will make the entire drive to Van. Dear God, let's hope so!!

As always though leaving a place and its people is bittersweet. While I'm excited to move I'm also sad to not have my parents and family with me. Wish they were but life is about change and impermanance. The only thing I bring with me is faith that there will be others out there I can come to love and care for as well, anywhere I go. And people whom I've met will always be in my heart somewhere. Lots of place for lots of people! Haha...love you guys!

Gone Going

2008-03-14T23:03:00.002-07:00

When people find out that I'm moving this weekend they're like, "so soon?!" That's the standard reaction. For what reason I'm not entirely sure. There has been nothing much on my mind since coming home. Am I making the right decision, I'm not entirely sure either. The original plan was to look for a job first then move.

Hardly 2 weeks has gone by. It doesn't feel like it has been 2 weeks. Technically I've only left Canada for 2 months this time around, but my life in Van has been put on the shelf since leaving for the earlier trip. So essentially it feels like I've been away for a year and two months. Now it's time to jump right back into it. Am I ready? I sure hope so, by Sunday.

Should I have planned to stay here until I've found a job? Rent free? It's not even so much that it's boring here at my parents' like I've been telling people. It's more a feeling of restlessness. Like I can't wait to jump start my normal life again. Just like I had to with the car today! :) It has been too long. More than anything else this hasty move is for my sense of autonomy. And no amount of money in the world can be substituted for self-worth.

This is what I want to do.

A Boo Hoo Post, Twice Removed

2008-03-12T10:33:00.009-07:00

Despite my greatest efforts at being positive and such sometimes things are just shit :) When enough is enough and yet it isn't, things are just shit. When somebody says, "I still love you but you shouldn't wait for me," things are just shit. I don't know where to go from here.

Being weak is something I detest. When something needs to be done and I can't do it, self-loathing over flows at the brim. It is true there is always a choice. So what's the pay off for keeping up this joke of a behaviour? WHAT AM I GETTING OUT OF THIS?? What's so scary about the alternative?

Let's bloody look at this from a Behavioural point of view. I've always been a fan of that school of thought anyways. I'm going to therapy myself out of this!!

Therapeutic Intervention:

1) Asses problem behaviours and conditions that are maintaining it
2) help client engage in specific action rather than just talking about it
3) teach methods of self-management and monitoring progress

Goal of Therapy:

- enlarge repertoire of adaptive behaviour
- client to accept responsibility for change

See, simple.

behaviour -> positive/ negative reinforcement -> maintenance of behaviour
behaviour -> positive/ negative punishment -> decrease of behaviour

LEGEND

Behaviour - coming online, waiting for that sodding bastard ( no, I'm not bitter)
+ve Reinforcement - getting I love yous, feeling loved
-ve reinforcement - temporary disappearance of loneliness
+ve Punishment - feelings of uselessness and disappointment (in both parties involved)
-ve Punishment - loss of self-respect? haha...

Well, OBVIOUSLY my punishments are not as effective as the reinforcements coz I repeatedly find myself seeking reinforcements, sacrificing myself to punishment. Willingly at that *grin*

Oh my gawd! So I guess a course of action is to increase the effectiveness of my punishments. Haha, not. The most powerful agent of change is apparently positive reinforcement.

behaviour (going out with friends, doing something new, meeting people)

positive reinforcement (feeling loved, accepted, fulfilled even)

Maintenance of behaviour ( going out more and having fun.)

Note: The only lil concern is that I cannot guarantee the positive reinforcements. Hmm. Maybe that's the whole point. To seek out positive reinforcements. What could fill this space in my life? Apart from travelling. What will give me the same highs?

Whoa, this actually works. The real question is...what makes me feel loved, accepted and fulfilled? For as long as these are not answered I will always resort to old/ maladaptive behaviours that have been reinforced before. That's the only way I know how. Experiment? Try new things? Haha, easier said than done but not undo-able.

I think to a certain extend, Perls was right in saying that all roads lead to Rome. Was it him who said it? I could have chosen Behaviour or CBT or any of the schools of thoughts to talk about, ultimately it would have led back to the same question.

What is my motivation? What gets me excited about life?

Apathy is the real killer of our generation.

What's in a Humble Beginning?

2008-03-09T06:33:00.002-07:00

After 5 days of not sleeping nights, my head feels like it's about ready to explode. Thanks in part to depending on sleeping pills for the latter part of my trip. Excellent! Yesterday was the first day I forced myself to stay up all day. My effort lasted until 8pm. Then came the short lived blissful oblivion until 3am. Now this, a throbbing at the back of my skull.

Naturally, the thing most prominent in my mind is this. How the hell am I going to make this work?

For the longest time I've been driven by the philosophy that one should follow one's heart. Study what you want, go where you want, simply do what you want. Was it naive of me to put financial security in second place all this while? I think it was Kiyosaki who said that in order to make money your safety net has to be gone. Put yourself in the do or die situation.

Well, here I am! Hello! Now what?

Now don't get me wrong. It's not do or die in the most literal sense. My family will of course help me out but that's not the point. There are some things I can ask for from my parents but asking to borrow some money so I can live is not something I can do. Not at this age, not at this stage of life.

So this is my humble beginning. Some people do not understand why I work at crappy jobs when I've got a university degree. People might mistake this for a lack of ambition but to me it is a matter of survival. It was not important to me. All I had to do and wanted to do was make money so I could go on the road. A career was not what I was aiming for. You understand?

I suppose, for the most part, this post is to justify my thinking about taking on another less than ideal job. Survival jobs they call it. How fitting. For this time it is true. The money I have will only let me pay rent and eat for about a month and a half. Then nothing. I need a job before that reality stares me in the face. The day I am in debt to my credit card provider is a day I cannot live with.

It is with this justification that I am sending out a resume to my previous employer. Not the most recent one but the one before. Maybe the most recent one as well. Pride is not something I can afford right now.

On Growing Up

2008-03-09T04:44:00.000-07:00

It happens. Deal with it.

Do You See What I See?

2008-03-07T23:36:00.003-08:00

9pm Friday, 7th March.

Four days after coming home I find myself packing again. Next week I move. This is getting to be a little ridiculous. Can I do this? At times it doesn't feel like it. Things are just not going as smoothly as I thought it would. There are so many decisions to be made. So many adult decisions I cannot make.

In a sense I suppose this could be an initiation. Into a new phase of life.

Haha, it is funny in a sense too. I feel like a teenager, kicking and screaming in frustration all the way into adulthood. Perhaps events of today made me realize that I am more on my own than I thought. My parents were arguing as they often do. Screaming at each other in exasperated voices. They turn to me out of desperation, I look away.

This is exactly the reason I can no longer live with my parents. Am I being selfish? There are just too many uncertainties in life right now that I cannot take on their issues. Today I've had my mum say to me, "I want to leave." I turned away. Today my dad said, "Look I've already finished half the bottle." I turned away. I cannot take on their issues. So I leave. I want to pack my bags and leave tomorrow.

Closer to 30 now than 20, I have no job, no place to live when I move to the city, not much money. Yet they turn to me. Someone who has been wandering aimlessly for the past year and a half. They say that people are never as alone as the day they lose their parents. Today I realize that I cannot depend on my parents. Even now, especially now. Issues do not go away, they grow with age, they grow with you.

Deep Breath.

There is so much to work on within myself. So many issues arising, I am unable to take on their issues. Sorry, but I can't without falling into a rut. We all have issues we have to deal with ourselves. I am treading water right now, trying to stay afloat so please do not grab onto me.

The decision has been made. I am moving next week into the city with no job, no place to live. I have to make this work. There is no other choice.

Light at the end of the tunnel

2008-03-06T20:21:00.005-08:00

Every good story is a tale of love. If you think about it all of our stories begin and end with love. Having love, losing love, wanting love, unrequitted love, loving too much, not loving enough. Every action is an act of love or the lack of it.

Why do we get bored with life? Coz we do not love what we're doing at the time. Coz we somehow, out of all the options out there, somehow managed to surround ourselves with things that do not make our heart beat just that little bit quicker.

Why do I travel?

Why, up until the age of 27, have I been willing to drop everything at a whim to go travel? Love. It is as much a case of loving life as it is running away from it. In Helen Fielding's Cause Celebs (although not THAT great a read) she posted this question.

Aid Workers:

a) Missionary
b) Mercenary
c) Misfit
d) Broken heart

As applied to myself I'd say c and d both fit. At one level it feels good to be able to say, "fuck this shit I'm doing it my way." On the other hand every trip, every adventure is a microcosm of life. There is a beginning, there is an ending, there are lessons to be learned.

Perhaps what draws me most to travelling is that it works as a 'reset' button. You leave everything behind, go to a place where nobody knows your name. You can be anyone you want.

Apart from the obvious adventure and new experiences of food, people, cultures there is a certain lure in being mysterious. People you meet wonder where you've come from, people you've left behind wonder where you're going.

Travelling provides for me a sense of immortality. I do not come from anywhere, I am not going anywhere in particular. I am fluid. I am immortal. The only guiding force is love. By love I mean passion for life. Something, anything, that makes your heart beat just that little bit faster. That is how I want to live my life.

A post one and a half month late

2008-02-18T10:37:00.002-08:00

It would appear that I have not written in here for that long. Please pardon the tardiness but it is really tiresome and unpractical to look into the depths of my soul for words when my internet access is limited to sketchy cafes with 50 school kids yelling into my ears.

While it is almost impossible now to summarize the events of the past month, it definitely feels like a lot has happenned. China deserves its own post, my brother's wedding ceremonies deserves one all on its own, Thailand deserves one too. Travelling with N has definitely opened up my eyes to things about myself I have never thought about before. There is so much to tell that it is beyond me to get into any length of detail.

So now it is almost time for me to go home. I'm excited but not, all at the same time. I've been here before. Done this before. As a matter of fact just last year. Mixed emotions about going home, about settling down in one place. The idea of it still scares the shit out of me, but one can't keep running for the rest of one's life I suppose.

Ready, Set...and...

2007-12-30T08:55:00.000-08:00

Not quite a go yet but almost...

That's what it feels like I'm almost ready to go, just waiting for the time to get here. Gahhh so much packing to do and tidying my parents' house too. It's a HUGE mess! And then there's all that last minute stuff to do of course.

At the end of today I'll have 2 full days to pack then it's off to Van. With leaving there's always a sense of nostalgia, no? Umm, not feeling so much of that now. Of course I hate change, it upsets things but as it is now...don't feel like I'm giving up more than can be gained. So yes! Moving on!

December 29th??

2007-12-29T08:50:00.000-08:00

How is it that one whole year has passed?? This year definitely went by really quick. This time last year I was almost doing the same thing as now. Getting ready for a trip. Wow!Wow!Wow! Life is insane. I've done SOOOO much since then. Don't think I've come very far in terms of personal growth but yeah, there has been some changes. Gah, this post is quite pointless. I'm just killing time before work :)

But check this out. Lonely Planet's new tag line.

"It's a Lonely Planet, therefore I travel. "

Kinda cool but doesn't make much sense, or does it?

A Life Without Boundaries

2007-12-26T07:46:00.000-08:00

8 days before I fly to China. This boxing day morning finds me thinking about the trip coming up and how life just seems so big and wide. Once again I'm at a crossroad where anything is possible. The possibilities limited only by money.

And while I don't have very much of that, you guys know me. I am one of those people willing to spend it all on a trip. Somedays I hear a voice inside me saying that I should just be out there, living life like conventions mean nothing. On other days the very same voice says that staying put, coming home and making a stable life here will be better.

As I head off to work today, I shall take these thoughts with me. The voice saying FUCK CONVENTION is loud and clear though. It's really struggling to be heard.

Terlalu Cinta - Rossa (translated)

2007-12-20T21:54:00.000-08:00

Don't come near me
Don't come to me anymore.
It's killing me to not have you.

I lead my life in a lie with a substitute of you,
but my thoughts are never far.
Why is all of this happenning to me?

Please god, forgive me...
for not being able to let go of this fantasy of him.
When it is all said and done, what strengths do I posses in fighting this love?
My heart will always be with him.

T - 3 Weeks: The Making of a Good Day in Chronological Order

2007-12-11T22:42:00.000-08:00

1) Laughing Uncontrollably at Work
2) Retail therapy (bought new headphones for half the price)
3) Making music
4) Family & doggies
5) Walking in the rain

Today turned out to be an awesome day.

Love's Executioner & Other Tales of Psychotherapy

2007-12-09T22:31:00.000-08:00

Naturally after an obsessive book buying binge (wait a minute, that doesn't make sense...) I have to actually read the spoils of my conquest! It was a tough call but when it came to crunch time a certain Dr. Irvin Yalom, phd & master psychotherapist, piqued my curiosity.

Standing in an indistinct isle at Chapter's one day, I found myself reading this line. "I do not like to work with patients who are in love."

Sold! Tell me more.

The story tells of an elderly woman who has obsessed about a love affair 8 years past. Thelma simply has not been able to let go, thus finding herself living a life of illusion and fantasy. Sounds familliar? OMG! Thelma is me, I am Thelma. Although my predicament has yet to reach such an advanced state, it was definitely a situation I can identify with.

About a quarter way into the story Yalom got frustrated with Thelma's refusal to take responsibility for her own actions. Why did she give him so much power over her life? The very same question I've been known to ask myself. Having said that, I've decided to sign myself up for therapy after this next trip. Not because I've lost hope or that I've reached my wits end, on the contrary.

While I am rather stuck and chasing my own tail on this issue, there is hope that somehow, someway the peace that is currently eluding me shall return. If I am to become anything of a therapist, might as well make a habit of it. What good is a helper if she cannot differentiate between her own issues and that of the client?

Reading the great masters at work is truly inspirational. The other one that's next on my list is Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication. It reads more like a textbook as opposed to Yalom's storytelling. Oh, and after that I'm reading Eric Fromm's Art of Loving.

I miss counselling.

Funny how a sense of guilt arose as I was saying that. Sometimes I wonder if counselling does more for me than for others. It just feels so damn good to be able to connect with people's deepest emotions. Strip away all the pretense, the masks, the defense mechanisms and we are all essentially the same. Human beings doing the best that we can to love and be loved. To live...

T minus 4 weeks

2007-12-04T08:52:00.000-08:00

It's almost time for yet another change. As always I approach change with mostly excitement but of late a little weariness as well. Not a bad thing, just signals a different perspective on life.

Yesterday I gave my notice for work. Four weeks notice isn't bad since 2 is what's really required. Funny how I was feeling quite sad about the idea. The girls I work with are awesome, all for different reasons. I will miss them more than anything. And all the clothes. And of course...booohoooo.....my employee discount.

Good times. After this trip, I will be coming back for a couple of weeks before moving back to Van. That will be yet another big change. Arrghh! Although things always seem to work out in the end and I haven't yet had to regret any move I've made, gots to stop springing another one on myself.

Yeah, I've ready to go live my life in Van. Almost. Hahaha!! As I'm saying this it feels like something tugging at my heart strings. A voice that says...but, but, but you can go wander the world still....so many places you haven't seen...lol...Which will it be, which will it be.

2007-11-20T21:26:00.000-08:00

After spending a couple of days feeling like my world was brimming with love and flowers, I am now subjected to the same degree of dejection. All because of a boy, not my own doing but the boy's. I tagged along on the ride, not buying the whole thing 100% but definitely got caught up. Now that I've experienced the highs and lows, once again I'm settling in the middle. It feels good. The middle feels good for now.

Work is OMG boring. I am so not there anymore in mind and spirit. With the holidays coming up soon though, I'm guessing that it will only get busier. Good! That makes the days go by quicker too. I'm super stoked that I have 2 friends visiting this weekend! One from Japan, one from Van. We're planning on getting totally doped up and chillin all day. Sweetness.

2007-11-20T09:21:00.000-08:00

The answer to my question! Do you believe in an all consuming love? Err, if you didn't then you're jaded. If you did then you're a fool. Yep, this time around it didn't even take long for me to realize this. There are a milliong names under the sun I want to call myself right now. If this whole situation wasn't so ridiculously funny...

Well folks, shows over. Back to normalcy again :) If there is such a fuckin word. If there is such a thing even. Ahhhhhhhhhhh hell, would something just change already. I'm so sick of this routine. I'm so sick of this cycle.

2007-11-17T23:37:00.000-08:00

Do you believe in love? In an all consuming, illogical, insanity driven kinda love? I do. Great poets over centuries have written about such an emotion and I believe them. I know, I know M would be rolling her eyes heavenwards right about now, but I swear...

Everything in my being says that I want this. Don't get me wrong, it is by no means perfect but then again rarely anything in life is perfect. We all take risks. And it looks like this is a risk I'm willing to bear. Alls I can ask is that my friends still be there for me when and if this entire episode decides to crash and burn. Again...

Is it wrong to love with such abandonment? It has been so long since I've felt like this that I don't remember anymore. Only time will tell if my heart will once again get ripped wide open and left to bleed...But as I've said, it's all a risk. Then again if you risk nothing, then you risk everything. Remember that being my favourite quote in high school...

There doesn't seem to be much of a middle ground for me. Emotions are mostly intense, either super happy and excited or super sad...meh, I guess there is the inbetween boredom that I feel sometimes...like from 9-5 monday to fridays.

I've done this often enough to know now that I cannot be swept up in the emotions. That he'll do something to completely destroy my faith, for example decide to not come home again this year. I have to be ready for that. No matter how much he says he loves me, at the end of the day, the harsh reality is that I might not get to see him for another year. Added onto the 2 that have already gone by.

Gawd, the fiasco of last...I hope it doesn't repeat itself. When I found out that he wasn't coming home, it ripped me apart. And now that time has come again. What will it be...am I waiting on a ghost?

2007-11-17T19:35:00.000-08:00

“Love is just love, it can never be explained.”

“You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.”

"We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'."

A woman either loves or hates; she knows no medium.”

“Don't hold to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love.”

“Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.”

"Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met."

"Where so ever you go, go with all your heart."

"If love is not worth waiting for, it's not worth having."

"Don't try to not love someone for it will only make your love grow deeper; just accept it."

To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead."

2007-11-17T00:38:00.000-08:00

Here's a lil thought. No matter what happens or doesn't happen, time still goes by. We can be happy or sad, excited or bored, angry or calm...life is still life. All the issues that seem so huge, they are but a part of life. Tomorrow I'm still going to wake up and walk the streets. The little decisions, the everyday things we do ultimately adds up to make the story of our lives. So why not live life now. Right now.

I feel so far removed from my counselling practice. Next weekend I'll be meeting up with the group of students that I went to counselling school with. Sometime between leaving there and now, have I forgotten my resolve to live life to the fullest? By that I mean to feel all my emotions. To cry when I'm sad, to laugh and jump around when I'm happy, to learn to express emotions instead of hiding from them?

Yeah, this will continue to be my resolution into the new year. To find more a sense of inner peace and understanding. And to live in the moment. That's the hardest part for me. To be in the moment and not hide in my head...in another one of my fantasies...

2007-11-14T01:10:00.000-08:00

Hello friends,

Lol, this is going to be a corny entry can you tell? Just another one of my late night rants. It's 1.12 am and I can't sleep. Today is the 8th day I'll be working in a row, and there are 3 more before I get a day off. Reason being that I've just started working at another one of our stores, this one catering to an older crowd. So yeah, today I spent all day helping lil old ladies pick out clothes. If I didn't like the smell of old people before, I'm gona have to tolerate it now.

Some of the ladies are so old that it kinda makes me come face to face with my own mortality. Sooner than I'd like but it is a fact of life. On my death bed (yikes) what would I like to have accomplished? If I were to stand by watching myself in the last days of life, what would that be like?

How be it that time goes by so slowly?

2007-11-09T11:46:00.000-08:00

An hour and a half before work and already I'm dreading it. After all that bitching and moaning, my dilemma at work came to a climax yesterday. Since she hasn't been in work for 2 days, the first thing of course is a running list of things that didn't get done right while she was gone. So I ignored her and not talk. She asked what was wrong, and I told her.

2007-11-05T22:31:00.000-08:00

After much exchanging of emails today, my application is finally off to be evaluated by the Faculty of Grad Studies. As it turned out, they needed another piece of document. So yeah the wait remains intense.

My parents left for Malaysia yesterday withouth their beloved dog. So here she is staying with me for the next 2 months. Man didn't realize how much responsibility comes with owning a dog. It's almost like having a child. She constantly needs to be entertained and looked after. Can't forget to feed/ walk her everyday...

If my calculations are correct, there are only 8 weeks left before my entire retail experience ends. Thank the holy gods for that. The idea of going back to work tomorrow (after 2 days off) is almost painful. Get this though, as of next week I'm trying to arrange to work 7 days a week with the addition of another part-time job. This will be at our sister store, at the same mall and whatnot. So it won't be too different from what I'm already doing. They cater to an older crowd though, so perhaps a little less intense?

We'll see. Alls I gots to say is...8 more weeks and I'm home free. Then begins yet another adventure.

The One Where...

2007-11-02T21:28:00.000-07:00

"This message is to let you know that the Department of Educational& Counselling Psychology & Special Education (ECPS) has just held a meeting to evaluate applications for the Master's in VocationalRehabilitation Counselling (MVRC) cohort program, and a recommendation that you be admitted to the program will be forwarded soon to the Facultyof Graduate Studies (FOGS) for consideration. Please note that official admission can only be granted by theFaculty of Graduate Studies, who is the legal admitting agency at UBC forgraduate student admissions; this will be in the form of an 'offer ofadmission'."

Thoughts At Midnight

2007-10-23T01:22:00.000-07:00

So they were right, age really does matter after all. It's 1.24 am on a random Monday and I can't help but stay awake in bed thinking. It truly is a weakness. This inability to turn of the thinking faculty in exchange for sitting, being quiet and feeling.

There are a couple of thoughts in my mind but one that is rather amusing is this. There is a picture in my head. I'm a young, sophisticated professional who is capable, talented, articulate and chic. Laying awake in bed with my laptop, possibly a cigarette (or smoke of some kind) in hand and a lil drink. Looking out into the night skyline of a fabulous city from the luxury of my balcony with tall sliding doors. Soft music playing in the back, dimmed lights...

Then there is reality.

Me living with my parents, working in a dead end job, not making much money, my head hurting, a giant pile of laundry sitting in the corner of my messy room... lol. You know what though, that's okay.

Today I went to the other mall in town to look around, partly for shopping (okay mostly for shopping) but also to scope out job opportunities. It made me feel more optimistic about things. Reality of it is that my fantasy is not that far away from my reality.

Someone very wise once said to me that whatever you do up to the age of 30 doesn't count and can be forgiven. Consciously or not, it kinda got engrained in my head. I'm closer to the big 3-0 than I'd like to admit. Perhaps this has thrown me into somewhat of a mid-life crisis. Issues of the existential nature resurfaced and I'm once again faced with the question - What do I want out of life? You know what that's like.

All the things I've done in life leading up to today, can't say I regret. A major difference I've noticed recently is a stronger sense of who I am. In the last few months, closer to 6 actually, while it has been a struggle to figure things out I am now this much closer to understanding what I want. Please understand that this is a huge transition. For me at least.

I'm hanging up my vagabonding days.

Lol. You can't take the traveller out of a person no doubt but think I've figured out a way that will work nonetheless. Since moving away from Malaysia in the year 2000, I haven't had a stable home. We've moved around so much.

Mid-2000: Newport
Mid-2001: Oak Shade
Mid-2003: Chelsea
Mid-2004: Burnside
Travelling - 6 months
Early 2005: McKenzie
Early 2005: Begbie
Mid-2005: Vancouver
Travelling - 6 months
Mid-2007: Victoria
Travelling - 2 months
Mid-2008: Vancouver for good?

My friends don't even bother keeping up with my constant change of address and phone numbers anymore. I've been in Vic for almost 4 months now. That's quite an accomplishment.

It has been a long time coming but I'm ready. I'm ready to call Vancouver home. Age is definitely catching up, I notice the changes in my body and in my perspective on life. Not quite ready to hang up the party hat but definitely the whole dropping everything every little while. Done. I'm sick of coming back to a new home everytime, no money, no job, no friends.

Absolutely glad for what I've done in life so far. So yeah, I'm temporarily struck with a feeling of confidence. Capable, possibly talented, articulate, well-travelled, somewhat chic (depending on my mood for the day) see I told you, not so far from my fantasy.

Things to do before I turn 30:

1) See the world <-- done for now, covered all the places I've felt a burning need to visit
2) Own a house
3) Own a private practise with my own office, library, couch and filing cabinet!
4) Get married? <--hmm, timeline negotiable on this one
5) Keep LOVIN all my friends! <-- always
6) Own a car <-- done
7) Do something special for my parents
8)Be part of a menage a trois <--is it wrong that this thought came right after #7? Paging Dr. Freud...

For the Love of God, Why?!

2007-10-22T23:49:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodness, why did they have to deck him up in that joke of a costume! Isn't he supposedly a national hero? I understand the need for a show of tradition but seriously, with due respect, he looks like a clown!!

The Return of Claustrophobia

2007-10-20T23:21:00.000-07:00

Suddenly today I feel a little suffocated. After having spent all of last night into early this morning online, browsing for real estate for sale and furniture, I began to panic. How is it that yesterday I felt so excited about the possibility of owning a house, buying my own furniture etc. and today the exact opposite.

Hello, my name is Ana and I'm a claustrophobic.

Webster dictionary: Claustrophobia-an abnormal dread of being in closed or narrow spaces

The idea of not having options scare me. Be it physical space or life in general. Being stuck doing something I didn't want to do is scary, it's actually the not having a choice to change that's scary. I suppose there is always a choice, no?

And what is with this constant need to flee? Am I perhaps afraid that if I stayed long enough in one place, doing one thing, people will see my weaknesses? Kinda like a lil dancing hawaiian girl doll that bobs around on the dashboard of some tasteless person's car. She can never stay still lest someone sees the chips and dents on the sides of her plastic body. The worn bits, the colours fading...

UBC Comes Knocking

2007-10-19T10:24:00.000-07:00

As I woke up this morning, nicely refreshed, ready to take on the day I checked my emails as per my morning routine. It was so, so, so exciting for me to get an email from UBC! One of the faculty members sent an email to ask if I'd like to be considered for admission into this new program. MA in Vocational Rehabilitation Counselling.

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!!!

I know it's a little early still to be so excited but if you've known me for any length of time, you'll understand the sudden impulsive bursts of excitement. So anywho, they are transfering my application for when I applied to the MA in Counselling Psychology program last year. SUper stoked!!

Wonder how many applications they are transfering. Obviously they have not had enough applicants who qualify. I suppose the program is quite specific and new to the faculty. So excited!! Well I know that they will obviously offer the opportunity to quite a few people but the fact that they have gone through the applications and chose me for the next level is highly encouraging. So UBC did not just toss out my entire application package after all!!

I mean they would not write someone they didn't think would have a chance right?? SO this means I'm once again in the running.

Okay, breathe! I know for sure my application didn't suck. That's one up from my assumption that UBC laughed and tossed out my application on the spot! Sweet, how am I going to sleep at night. The program is mostly online and starts in January, so I'm hoping I'd be able to travel still. IF I get selected that is! Sheesh!

Ok, ok let it go for now. At least enjoy the feeling of not being completely shunned by the academic world. It was so weird to have not gone to school for the year.

Choices Galore

2007-10-17T06:45:00.001-07:00

At 5am this morning, I woke up with my bladder about to burst! Naturally, after trying to ignore the discomfort (for a whole 5 minutes!) I HAD to go. Falling right back to sleep would have been too easy so it's quarter to 7am right now and I'm wide awake with a headache and lots of time to think.

Work hasn't been going well. Everyday that I am at work, I find myself complaining and bad mouthing the manager. This is so not cool! If I don't want to be there, I really didn't have to. There are options of course, it's just a matter of what I am willing to do. It is another 2 months before I leave and if I'm gonna be miserable at work everyday, it will be one heck of a 2 month wait.

So I have decided to have a little chat with my manager when she comes back. Number 1) I am no longer having fun at work. As in not enjoying it, stressed out etc. For 4 days this week she is gone on a conference and I am left to manage the store. AND here's the stressful part - to do the rest of the setup. She gives me 4 days to get EVERYTHING done. And as was written in my to-do list, this is NON-NEGOTIABLE. I mean, what the hell?? Non-negotiable?

To top it off, 2 out of the 4 days I'll be working with borrowed staff from our sister companies! People who don't even usually work at our store? How fast can they work, really!

So having contemplated the situation, I have decided to talk to her. If things do not work out even then I might decide to quit and look for another job. Doubt it will be difficult to do since it's close to the holidays. The only thing is that I might have to take yet another pay cut. But better that than be stressed and not enjoy what I'm doing, even for 2 months.

A 2 week notice brings me into earlyNovember...I could always leave on my trip a little earlier...early December maybe? So there are options to be had. It's only a matter of looking at things from a different perspective.

Yes, I will definitely have to go talk to her and compromise on a middle ground. This is just not working for me.

A Time to Fly

2007-10-11T23:28:00.000-07:00

Hey Babes, Dudes....Dudettes,

It most certainly is that time of year again. Well actually 2 'that' time of years.

1) Halloween!! Oh my goodness! How much do I love Halloween? This year I'm going to be a Flapper Girl of The Roaring 20s!! Halloween is always so much fun. It truly is when good girls come out to play. Remember last year? Oyy, I'm getting a hangover just thinking about it. Time to put together the costume!! Let the creative juices flow!

2) Air ticket. As of yesterday everyone has already purchased an air ticket for our trip back to M'sia. Well, everyone except me but I have a feeling I'll be buying my ticket soon. Most likely this weekend? The other thing that needs to be sorted out is if my friend N will be coming with me on this trip. So many things to consider, where will we stay? Do I want her with me the whole time? What will we do? Aiseh, holy cow, should just make up my mind and stick with it. Try not to do too much at once! Yes, yes definitely need to remember that!

Work has been going okay these past couple of days. The manager has miraculously gotten off my case somewhat so yay. Plus thinking about how this job will be paying for my trip is making it more tolerable.

The Courage to Leap

2007-10-09T21:29:00.000-07:00

9.34pm on a regular Tuesday night and I'm watching Joe vs. the Volcano. Love the Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks combination. They're so cute together!

Anyways that wasn't the point of my post.

Since multitasking is pretty much what I do on a regular basis, of course I was surfing the web, reading blogs and whatnot. When I came to Maryanne's Living in Egypt website I was instantly transported to another place and time.

What would I give to make a life in a more exciting place? In a more exciting civillization? Perhaps this just isn't time yet, you know? There is life after settling down in one place. Who knows? I could totally have a stable job, get some experience and eventually end up living some place else.

This is a time for me to gain experience, get good at what I love doing. Then perhaps I will be able to travel more for work, possibly do trainning sessions abroad, go for conferences? That kinda thing? It feels like by settling down I'm giving up my dreams but does it have to be that way?

What's for sure though is that a change of perspective needs to take place and it'll have to be something I can live with. When you give up a dream, something else needs to take its place. I no longer see grad school as a possibility or as something I really want. Life experience is what I want, so done with school. There's only so much you can learn about human nature from books.