Half a Year and Counting

June was the last time I wrote in this blog. Six months and I do believe there is a lot to show for it. Work, love, friendship. So perhaps an update is due.

The Echo of Hearts Breaking All Around the World

A strange thing happened today.

While I was laying on the futon reading Brida by Coelho, two close friends of mine called to talk about issues of the heart. One from the east, one from the west.

Eastern Heartbreak

My bestest friend in the world called from the eastern side of the world today to talk about her guy whom she had decided might not be the best thing for her right now. *hugs* Good on you for setting boundaries and knowing your limits, Chica. Whatever the outcome, I think you did right by yourself today.

Western Heartbreak

Later in the day a friend of mine from the western side of the world called in a state of utter distress. Once again a guy has somehow managed to creep into her life and throw everything out of whack. Confused and lost she doesn't know what to do.

Heartbreak somewhere in the middle

Perhaps a part of my heart will always remain broken for as long as I shall live. For as long as I am not with my soul mate, anyways. Oddly enough these two people who mean the world to me should call on a day where I have been reading Brida, written by my favourite author Paulo Coelho.

The protagonist in this book, on a path to seek out magic, learns that we are all seeking one and the same thing. A soul mate. Our life is driven by this search for the one that would complete us. The one whose eyes hold all the answers to life, to the universe, to love.

It feels like we've come full-circle. In a certain post eons ago, I remember asking the question of whether you and I believe in soul mates.

Now at the end of the circle, I'm more inclined to say yes than ever before. It would answer the question of how some people just "know" they've met the one. A true soul mate.

I've felt that with one man, and one man only. Which part of the world he is in right now, I do not know. Who are the people he surrounds himself with, I do not know. Would he ever come home, I still do not know. And I do not know if I'll ever see him or talk to him again. But I do know that time means nothing in the context of the universe.

"In a matter of only a few hours, I experienced the love of a lifetime." Coelho

My point is this. We are all on a search together, we all want the same thing. Some of us find it, some of us don't but to stop trying is to have given up. Life will cease to hold meaning when that happens.

So my dear friends, I wish all of us luck and courage to stay on this path. Our ancestors have fought and died for great love for centuries before. If it is all that they have claimed it to be then perhaps having a little faith won't hurt.

Behold the Grinch of Romance

A thing I can't stand about people in libraries is talking. So naturally I would attract a young Thai couple who would come share the seat across from me at the very same table.

Not only were they talking, they were making out!

Annoyed beyond belief at this point, I could do little more that sit back and scowl at them from across the table. The last thing I need when trying to wrap my head around correlation coefficients and confidence intervals is the pair of them sucking faces at such close proximity.

I decided to go for a breather. A chocolate bar and half a bag of M&Ms later I feel a little bit better.

Somewhere between trying to manage school and working my ass off I've turned into a grinch of romance. Of course every relationship would ideally start with people not being able to take their hands off each other.

As I'm writing this a thought comes to mind. Just you guys wait, arguing and complications will follow suit, just you wait.

Must-not-harbour-ill-will-towards-others.Skin-will-start-turning-a-dry-crusty-green.

The Mysterious Ticket

I found a book at the library (imagine that?!) today which I'm pretty excited to read.

As I was flipping through the pages, a bus ticket fell out.

It was dated We.Ja.23 11:12 P -1-

The ticket marked page 13 of the book. I'm sitting here at 11.42pm of May 24th wondering who this person is. Male/female? Age? Ethnicity? Place of residence? What's her/ his story?

Considering that it is a one zone ticket, we know that the person probably lives in Burnaby. It is not a concession ticket so this person is an adult.

Wednesday, January 23 is of 2008. This ticket has either been in there for awhile or it belonged to somebody who recently fished it out of a pocket from last year. This seems more plausible.

Why did said person stop reading at page 13? Perhaps the marker was intended for the quote on that page which reads - "Since you've been gone I can do whatever I want."

Happiness: Possibility or Dream?

You know the saying that we all eventually become our parents?

Is that not a scary thought?

See, for as long as I can remember my parents were never truly happy and content. It took me a whole 2 weeks of living with them again to be reminded of the very reason why I fought so hard to put some distance between them and myself. In that sense, I have done well for myself.

It took 2 weeks for me to get sucked into the whole mess again. The screaming, the bitching, the hate and contempt for another human being.

Why is it that we are the meanest to the people we love the most? What kind of world is it that we live in where people guard against showing others how much they care, but do not hesitate to show contempt when wronged (or at least assess themselves to have been wronged.)

I don't get it.

And they wonder why I refuse to settle down. While I do not blame my parents for much in my life, they play a big part in my not wanting to get stuck in a life I hate. Although it is rather difficult to imagine me sacrificing my peace of mind in settling for 'less than' conditions, I admit to walking away way too quickly.

Is it worth it?

What makes people stay in life situations where they find themselves miserable beyond normal misery (if there is such a thing?)

Admittedly life can feel pretty shitty somedays but at least I'm not stuck. And everyday that I wake up in the morning, I'm going to thank god for that.

For the courage to not settle for the life I do not want.

It has taken me a long time to come to this conclusion but perhaps I do not want a conventional life. My life so far has been anything but conventional. So what makes me think I will suddenly wake up one day and want completely different things?

Our values, ideals, perspectives did not form overnight. Accordingly they will not disband overnight either. I keep waiting and waiting for the day I will wake up and find myself happy in a life so many others before me had found comfort in.

Lots of good that did me.

Panic attacks were the result. Doing things that were not true to my heart. I had somehow managed to talk myself into wanting a full-time job, a house and possibly 2.5kids, a mini-van and a successful career. Package A.

Seriously, for those of you who know me...do you see me staying home cooking 3 meals a day for my 2.5 kids? Fussing about in my kitchen all day cooking food with love for my family? Driving them to and from school and ball practise etc?

For the longest time I've somehow thought that I could want this. But I don't. It isn't me, I know this. But wanting different things bring about a sense of guilt in me greater than you can imagine.

Is it wrong to want to be different? Perhaps the question isn't even that. The thing is, I AM different.

I'm Not That Into Me (right now)

It has been almost a month since I have last worked. By that I mean at my paid place of employment. In that same month I have, though, been writing one paper after another for school. My life is a living hell and thus, I'm not that into me (right now) for making it so.

How did it get to this?

At one point or another, forgiveness is necessary but for now I hate this. The entire semester has been a gong show and the final curtains are being drawn with me nowhere in sight. How is it that the entire semester had come and gone without me? Once again 90% of the work was left to the last minute.

I hate the situation, not so much myself, but some. I had to let it happen in order for it to get to this. This semester consisted of me having a nervous breakdown. And now I'm hiding out at my parents' home because I am not yet ready to face the world. Actually, I am but there is this small matter of an 18 page paper that refuses to take care of itself despite my best efforts.

One month of eating, stressing and being in front of my computer does not wonders to one's figure. Bloatedness is a condition I live with on a daily basis. Eating, sleeping and writing is all that my days are. I feel gross and disgusted with myself. And the stupid papers I've had to do. This is it, this is the homestretch.

One more paper to write and I'm home free to do all the reading and discussions I've missed throughout the semester. Yay to that! Not. Then there is a little matter of having one week between semesters. Which isn't really time off because I have so much reading to catch up on.

Stuck, stuck, stuck.

I am stuck in a life I do not want to lead. This is not the person I've worked so hard to become. How does one do this for 2 more years? At the back of my head, I know this is a great opportunity for me. This piece of paper will take me place, it will open up doors that I've always imagined. I just need to have faith in myself, my abilities and the universe.

Enrolling in school was a choice I made. It is a commitment. I hate commitments.

At the end of the day, what matters?

Have you ever gotten so swept up in the rat race that you don't remember what day it is? Or feel yourself escalating into a full fledged panic attack with every passing moment? Have you gotten to the point where all you want to do is sleep all day and shut the blinds forever? Yeah, definitely signs of anxiety and depression.

For the past 2 weeks I've been this person. Only that I did not get to sleep and still had 8 weeks worth of back-logged school work to do. For the past 3 days, I've been glued to my computer from the moment I wake up until it is time to go to bed. This is NOT the life I want.

Unfortunately (or fortunately) I'm not the type to sacrifice myself for a later good. Maybe I was, which is what lead me into this rut in the first place. But no more. What if I were to die tomorrow? Today? Tonight? It would have been such a shame to have wasted the past 2 months in this chronic state of anxiety. This is not what the universe intended natural life to be.

I've given notice to quit my job. Done and done. Nothing is worth this bullshit.